Hello!

Goodbye, feelings of fear, inadequacy, obligation, and panic! I won't miss you. I wouldn't mind if you never again disturb me with your unpleasant memories - in fact, I would rather just forget that you were ever a part of my life! I'd like you to meet my new emotions. Say hello to joy, sufficiency, serenity, and laughter! Though they don't really want to meet you, I thought maybe you could come face-to-face and realize that it's time for you to disappear forever. It's nice that you've tried to drop in for a visit here and there, but quite honestly I have no desire to ever experience your presence again. Your ability to sway me, to influence me with reminders of what used to be between us just won't work anymore. I found feelings that trump you completely. Just...fade away...and never show your face again.

<3

Exploration 2011: Passion...and Possibilities

Friday Evening Worship    Rev. April Casperson   Rev. Juan Huertas    Speaker: Rev. Adam Hamilton

"It doesn't matter if you were there for the events; you're supposed to ponder the effects and how they shaped you as you moved forward in your life."

"Churches today look more like a typewriter than a laptop. Young people are the ones who are going to teach us how to do church for this generation."

We don't believe that when bad things happen, it was because God intended it. "The Bible is the story of humans doing exactly what God doesn't want them to do, and His redemptive work to restore their lives."

God wants us to engage with our brains and ask questions, while at the same time using our hearts to feel compassion. You need grace and holiness, not one without the other.

"Are you a liberal or conservative? My answer is always the same - yes, of course."

Be the kind of church that would welcome a complete outcast into the congregation without judgement.

Luke 3:21-22
Matthew 9:35-38
Isaiah 6:8
Jonah 1:1-3
Exodus 4:10-13

Saturday Morning Small Groups: Holy Restraint and Holy Calling        Becca and Won Chul

Acts 16:1-15

How have you experienced "Holy Restraint?" To what other regions might God be calling you? What is keeping you from journeying to these new places? Today, how will you open yourself to God's new possibilities?

I wait to talk to people about God until they get to know me and not see me as scary, but they know I go to church. Eventually, they will either ask what makes me so happy all the time or I get to bring my faith up in a way that is less intimidating to them like suggesting books to read or just answering questions without being judgmental. People tend to open up and be more receptive that way. I think I'm called to children's ministry, especially, but I've been reaching out to people my age recently as well. Right now, I'm called to be a student at WVU. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to help you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

This is such a great time to be with God. I've missed Him - He's hard to feel at school. But it's about serving when you can't always feel Him, because He's still always there. This excitement is like the adrenaline rush you get before you have a really good workout - likewise I'm preparing for a great spiritual workout. My spiritual muscles were definitely out of practice and weak.

I hope to come out of this learning how to love more. I learned how to love from Christ's example and now what I believe is being affirmed in a religiously organized setting?!?!?!

"I think it's important to not be religious totalitarians." - Sarah

I have new faith in the Christian population - if we always lived in this artificial environment then we wouldn't need Christ. But I think what I'm scared of in ministry is dealing with all the crazies and people who just don't get it. Frustration comes with serving...

Saturday Evening Worship     Bishop Robert E. Hayes, Jr.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. I believe in God even when God is silent.

You are my beloved. You are my child. And I will be with you always, yes I will. When you see the lightening flashes and you pause, look to the sky and just remember My promise. Peace, be still. You are my beloved. You are my child. And I will be with you always, yes I will.

Anne Sullivan apparently tried to explain God to Helen Keller. Helen said thank you for telling me His name and who He is, for He speaks to me often, but I did not know who He was. God makes the same claim and has the same hold on our lives - that's why we're here. So often the call doesn't make any sense.

1 Peter 2:1-10
1 Samuel

I can't see myself being ordained and getting into all those religious politics just because there are too many I don't agree with and I wouldn't be able to tough it out, I don't think.

Everyone else was up celebrating their commitments and the two girls I was sitting with had marked "undiscerned," but they changed their minds and went up to the deacons etc. to pray for them. I took the safe route. What would I have felt like it I took the leap and committed my life to Christ? He deserves it. Why won't I give myself?

Saturday Night Small Groups   A Chosen People

1 Peter 2:1-10

What does it mean to you and your future to be "a chosen people?" What passions are you willing to offer in ministry to the church and the world? List three things you are going to do hen you return home.

The best thing to hear, especially now, is that it's OK to feel confused. It's OK to feel this way.

I feel like the more educated professionally I am about religion, the more that separates me from being able to reach out to the religiously uneducated?

You can't let God down. You were never holding Him up. He holds you up, never the other way around.

"I've been justified, I'm being sanctified, and I will be glorified."

Passions to offer to the church/world: Justice, love, hope in Christ, musical worship, joy, artistic expression, mission work, advocacy

3 things to do when I go home: 1)Research ways to form my life around Christ 2)Seek more leadership in my church 3)Tell my friends about this amazing experience

"You don't do this so others are patting you on the back and saying you're doing great, but you do it for God. You have a servant's heart." - Hannah

"Our relationships aren't built on classes we have together or mutual friends - they're based on Christ, and this is what the body of Christ should be." - Leeann

I'm a former control freak. I thought I was reformed, but I'm seeing remnants. Coming into this, it was only to learn some new things (God warned me right off the bat in the prayer room with Jeremiah 29:11, so I was open) and now I'm considering my call. I'm still being SO stubborn!

Am I awaiting another heartbreak to completely break me so I'm ruined for all other men but Christ?

I'm being very unpractical right now.

Sunday Morning Worship     Rev. Shalom Agtarap

If I don't keep up my idealistic, impossible dreaming, then I'll never get anywhere. Yea, I won't get hurt or disappointed, but I won't feel fulfilled either.

Luke 24:46, 49

Do you ever mistake the beginning of something for the end? Jesus' "end" was His beginning.

J Dubb - John Wesley.

This is not about getting your Jesus fix and heading back out into the world.

Prayer first, then scripture, which is the word of Life and not of death.

Don't let the fire sparked in your heart smolder because of lack of doing something about it.

"I became human for you. If you do not become God for Me, you do Me wrong."

I don't want to carry the name of United Methodist in the world. I want to carry the name of Christ.

Sacred Space/Prayer Time

"I observed, `love is the fulfilling of the law, the end of the commandment.` It is not only `the first and great` command, but all the commandments in one. `Whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, if there be any virtue, if there be any praise,` they are all comprised in this one word, love." - John Wesley, from "The Circumcision of the Heart" 1733

"The people who talk the most about God are the ones most in danger of taking Him for granted, of letting God become just a comfortable word in their lexicon, a piece of furniture, rather than a reality, a friend, a constant surprise." - Brian McLaren, from A New Kind of Christian: Ten Questions That Are Transforming the Faith 2010

"It is Christ Himself, not the Bible, who is the true Word of God. The Bible, read in the right spirit, with the guidance of good teachers, will bring us to Him." - C.S. Lewis 1952

Types of prayer: I ACT - Intercessional, Adoraction, Thanksgiving, Confession

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. - Proverbs 16:9

When you love someone so much and want to give your life to them, you make that commitment, right? Well, what if I'm hopelessly in love with Jesus and I want to devote the rest of my life to Him? I can't love another human being the way I love Jesus. What does that mean for me?

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. - Psalm 119:105

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you. - Psalm 55:22

Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. - 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28

...for the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. - Romans 11:29

"Vocation does not come from a voice 'out there' calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice 'in here' calling to me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God." - Parker Palmer

Vocation is "the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need." - Frederick Buechner

"We only know emotional maturity and resilience when we learn to open our hearts to God and to one another. There is no other way to discover and sustain emotional growth and health than with a strong vertical connection to God and a vital horizontal connection to others. The first speaks of the priority of solitude, of the individual, of the private encounter with God. The second speaks of community and conversation. We need both." - Gorden T. Smith

For surely I know the plans I have for  you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalm 27:1

Afterthoughts    

...Well?

<3

It's a Girl Thing

There I was again. Swiping IDs, tranquilizing sheep, and putting off homework. The last thing I needed was further distraction from my work, but of course distraction seizes the opportunity when it is least convenient for me. And it came in the form of three drama queens.

They were clearly intoxicated, stumbling in the doors and huddling just inside the entrance, balling their eyes out. Part of me wanted to offer help, but I wasn't sure if I should just let them cry it out.

I texted up to the front desk, "Ummm there are three girls here crying hysterically in the entrance...what do I do? Haha."

No response. I stared at the girls for a few more seconds trying to cross over from amusement to compassion. Action time.

I went over to the little group-huddle and attempted to get their attention, but they all had their faces turned in together. All I could hear were incoherent mutterings, broken up by hiccups and wails.

"Excuse me, are you girls okay? Is there anything I can help you with?" I asked.

They turned and looked at me fiercely. Two of them still whimpered, but one composed herself enough to respond to me - very rudely, I might add.

"It's a girl thing," she snapped. "You wouldn't understand." And the girls shuffled back outside to continue their blubberfest.

So I returned to the desk, and I texted again to the main entrance just in case they cared at all.

"For some reason, I thought I was a girl. My bad."

Apparently, being an RA also neutralizes your gender. Just an RA thing, I suppose...

Stop Harassing the Pig!

So there I was, standing on the sidewalk, surrounded by about eight male residents and holding this pig as the cop stepped out of his car and crossed the street, pointing in my direction.

"What're you doing with that pig?" he asked. He paused in his previous inquiry as he looked at me quizzically and posed a new question: "Why do you look familiar?"

I was probably just as confused as he was.

"I'm an RA here," I said. And what was I doing with that pig...

***

It was just like any other day for a resident assistant, swiping ID cards at the entrance to my hall. By myself. It's a stimulating occupation, really. My homework was piled beside me and I had every intention of getting something done -- until I opened a window on the internet. Even then I convinced myself that my visits to all my personal blogs and networking sites would only be to stop in for a second. But then the ad in the corner looked interesting, so I clicked on that and ended up playing a reflex-testing game tranquilizing sheep for about another half-hour. By then it was just pointless to get my homework started, especially since now my goal of becoming a turbo-charged cheetah in my sheep game was much more important than finishing my research paper for tomorrow.

I looked up as some residents came through the doors, and I swiped their IDs. Going back to my sheep game, I did not pay attention to the people coming out of the elevator behind me when I heard it ding. They walked outside, and then one of them ran back in and said my name, making me miss a sheep that broke from the heard. GAH! I was sure my record would never be broken, now.

"Yes?" I said.

"Do you want to see a pig?" the resident said.

Well, this was a pleasant change of pace. There is the potential for something interesting to happen down here tonight! Still, I had no idea what this kid was talking about. So I said, "What are you talking about?"

He told me to just come outside, which normally isn't the best idea, but I was intrigued. I followed him out to the sidewalk and saw a man standing a few feet away, wearing a sweater that he had wrapped around something he was holding. Low and behold - the thing was a freaking pig. Actually, it was a freaking adorable baby pig. It's little snout was all brown and wrinkled up, and it shivered in the chilly air as the man held his sweater open.

"Do you want to hold it?" the man asked. I wasn't sure how he couldn't predict my answer by the totally smitten look on my face as I fell in love with the precious little thing. I reached out to take it's tiny, shaking body into my arms. That was when the cop car pulled up.

"I'm going to need you all to step away from the pig!" the officer ordered from his car. We all stood staring at him, frozen in utter confusion. He repeated, slightly different: "I'm going to need you all to stop harassing the pig!"

Still getting no response, the officer stepped out of his vehicle -- which brings us to my interrogation narrated at the opening to this tale.

***

"I'm an RA here," I said. "And...I'm holding the pig? And petting it?"

The cop looked around at the eight residents. "Are you harassing the pig?" he asked.

The man in the sweater hesitantly answered, "The pig is my pet, and no, we weren't harassing it."

Nodding, the officer turned back to me. "Well, we had complaints of someone harassing a pig," he explained. He awkwardly stepped back off the sidewalk and began retreating to his car. "Be nice to the pig," he added, before getting in the vehicle and driving away.

 I quickly gave the pig back and left the group to discuss their confusion while I returned to my simple, sheep-tranquilizing life.

Like I said, this is a stimulating occupation.

Perestroika

"In this world, there is a kind of painful progress. Longing for what we've left behind, and dreaming ahead." - Harper, Angels in America: Perestroika


Probably the most unpleasant realization in this world is the fact that time does not stand still. It keeps moving forward, but, as questioned in Perestroika, it moves forward to what? Like Harper says, we would all rather be still attached to those people, places, and things from the past that we hold so dear. This is impossible. Actually, I would argue that the reason these things left behind are so precious is simply because they are past experiences, unreachable, yet unforgettable. The things that make us who we are fade into the past as we move forward into our new selves. Sadly, if we kept experiencing the same things over and over again we would never move forward at all - and progress is the nature of the world.


Yes, life is painful. We have to leave so much behind. We have no choice. But the dreams we have for the future keep us moving forward and keep us resilient. It's funny that what Harper says in this instance is so true, since for most of Angels in America she is a Valium addict, hallucinating and making no sense. Sometimes even what we perceive as chaos can in the end hold the ultimate truth, like the "threshold of revelation" in every one of Harper's hallucinations.  


So, moving forward to what? Every dream achieved can't stand unmoving. Each dream is like the rung on a ladder, but knowing where you're climbing can make a whole lot of difference in life. The thing is, for some people, and for people who have reached their ultimate dream, the destination of life keeps changing as well. I guess everything has to progress and transform, even the future that hasn't yet manifested itself in our lives.


To wrap things up, I'm going where I need to go and I've been where I needed to be. Accepting change has never been easy for me, but if I don't, the world will keep rolling on and drag me behind it on the ground, tied by my ankles. I can do this painfully, or get up and walk down the road to the future. It's better to wake up and realize that no matter what, I can never just stay put. 


For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to help you and not to hurt you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11


<3

To Watch a Dominican Sunrise...

This week was an utterly beautiful experience. I found serenity in the calm of the culture and peace of mind in the realization of my own transformation since the year before. It's amazing what the journey in the span of a year, from one Dominican sunrise to another, can show me about myself.

Last year, I was a broken little girl who had always depended on someone else for security, had never known her own faith and had been afraid to step out from under the shadow of others and into her own light. Then, going out on my first Dominican Republic mission trip, I was thrown into a whirlwind that would spin me out as a changed woman by the turn of the next year.

Through this experience and the past year, I have gained complete confidence in myself and in my dreams. The most important thing to keep in sight is not to strive for an earthly prize, but instead for a heavenly one. With God at my side, insufficiency is out of the question; it is impossible. I can reach my full potential through His love and through His grace! The goal I strive for, a goal that has taken me farther already than I ever could have gone on my own, is to learn to love others as God loves me and for my heart to break at what breaks God's heart - in all that I do.

Sometimes people ask me why I'm so happy all the time...and I've often failed to answer unless something amazing had recently happened because, simply, it confused me as well. I know now why I can't stop smiling, why I cannot keep from singing - because God is so AWESOME!! He gives me so many blessings and fills me with so much joy!! I can't get over His AMAZING love.


Every morning in the Dominican Republic this year, we held a sunrise praise and worship on the roof of the almacén. We sang facing the rising sun and praising God! How many people can say they've watched a sunrise in the Dominican Republic?

There I was last week, a year passed since my last broken heart, and I was leading a small group faith sharing, praying in my group, singing unreserved, and I was there as a leader of the student organization. I literally blow my own mind when I think of how far I've come.

And take a look at that GORGEOUS sunset God gave us last week!!! I've never seen anything so beautiful! God is the artist I aspire to be...I don't want to paint just what I see - I want to communicate love through everything. Communicate love...one of the ten principles Orphanage Outreach sets for its volunteers. We could learn to live every day through those ten and get a lot more out of life, I think.

In no particular order:
1. Communicate love - We aren't always going to get a chance to have full conversations with the people we meet, or even to make a huge difference in everyone's life, but we need to snatch up the little chances we get to share a smile or encouragement at any moment. A little love could transform someone's heart and you'll never know it.

2. It's not about you - It's about God. A personal lesson I'm learning about this is that while I'm sitting here trying to decide if I want to get married or go it solo, I have to realize it's really not about what I want, but what God has in store for me. So I can be relieved of that burden and let God work everything out.

3. Jump right in - Don't wait and see how things pan out. If you have a decision to make, start working toward one of your options. God will open the doors on your journey when you've chosen the right path, and if you keep your faith in Him you will also see the doors closing when you need to change direction.

4. Acknowledge yourself - You are a major part of God's plan. Know that and actualize your potential. Without you, His kingdom would not be the same.

5. Poco a poco (little by little) - The Grand Canyon wasn't built in a day; it started out with just a few corroding drops of water. Likewise, you will not see the ultimate good God has in store for you from the start, and the difference you are making may not seem like much in the beginning. God wants to make a Grand Canyon of your life - just be patient with the water droplets.

6. You are responsible - You get out of life what you put into it. This doesn't imply the American dream myth that working hard will land you the big bucks. I mean to say that if you jump at every opportunity to live a fulfilled life and to get everything you can out of that, then you will be blessed and fulfilled, and your needs will be met by God. If you aren't satisfied with life, take a new risk and make something of your time here. No moment should be wasted - we call something waiting - "No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime." (We watched Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium in the DR). 


7. This is it - This life...it's all we have. This is the time to make things happen. And yes, life isn't the most pleasant experience most of the time. But in realizing this, one can learn to embrace every lesson along the way and carry the positive experiences through the rest of life even when leaving those moments behind. 


8. Serve, don't help - The people we are serving throughout life should never be looked down upon. These are our fellow humans, no matter what circumstance they are in or what background they come from. It is important to assume a humble attitude and always extend a loving and accepting hand to our brothers and sisters in need. 


9. Release the hero within - Everyone is a fascinating story waiting to happen. Your story is a magnificent one, no matter how uninteresting you may seem to yourself. Realize that you are a unique and unrepeatable miracle of God. Isn't that similar to a hero? All the superheroes we read about have special powers unique to themselves and incomparable to others. Everyone has an inner hero that can be released if we only let it grow. 


10. We are going to not include "You are Orphanage Outreach," because that really doesn't apply to everyday life, now, does it? 

Think of what we could do if we all believed in and worked to fulfill our full potential and purpose in Christ...the result would be earth-shattering. 

  
God loves you and has an amazing plan for your life. 
<3

Above All Things, I Believe in Love

Unconditional love is not questioned or understood, its just there for the taking.

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained." – C.S. Lewis

“I’d rather spend one minute holding you than the rest of my life knowing I never could.” – Bubble Boy

“You will find as you look back upon your life that the moments when you have really lived, are the moments when you have done things in a spirit of love.” – Henry Drummond

G. K. Chesterton
The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost.

Barbara DeAngelis
You never lose by loving. You always lose by holding back.

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.

~ David Grayson

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.  ~Author Unknown

We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love.  It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person.  ~W. Somerset Maugham

How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.  ~From the movie Annie

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven....Karen Sunde

All, everything that I understand, I understand
only because I love....Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy.

To love and win is the best thing.
To love and lose, the next best....William M. Thackeray.

Real love begins where nothing is
expected in return....Antoine De Saint-Exupéry

To live is like to love - all reason is against it,
and all healthy instinct for it....Samuel Butler

When you love you should not say, "God is in my
heart" but rather, "I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love,
for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course....Unknown

Our love must not be a thing of words and fine talk.
It must be a thing of action and sincerity....I John 3:18.

There is no remedy for love but to love more....Thoreau.

Pure love is matchless in majesty; it has no parallel in power
and there is no darkness it cannot dispel....Meher Baba

True love is the unearned compliment,
the gift forever giving....Burke Day

To love someone means to see him as
God intended him....Fyodor Dostoyevsky.

You love simply because you
cannot help it....Kim Anderson

When you have nothing left but love, then for the first
time you become aware that love is enough....Unknown

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that
you care for to be what they choose for themselves,
without any insistence that they satisfy you....Wayne Dyer

To love another person is to see the face of God....Victor Hugo

I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think
we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection,
puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it.
And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you.
Very simply, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute
and quality I've ever looked for in another person...."Chasing Amy."

The greatest gift that you can give to others is the
gift of unconditional love and acceptance....Brian Tracy

Love is the strongest force the world possesses,
and yet it is the humblest imaginable....Mahatma Gandhi

I have a thought...the one God has meant for us is going to
be the hardest to get, the hardest to keep, and the hardest
to accept. Because through all that, love will grow stronger,
bonds will become thicker, and the future will become more
clear. Love wasn't made to be easy, otherwise, we wouldn't
end up with the RIGHT person, we would end up with the first
one who came along. By struggling, we single out the wrong
ones and realize who really is the ONE....J.D.

Whom we love best, to them we can say least....English proverb

“The thing about completely giving your heart over to God is that the decision to love no longer belongs to you; you are giving up control over who your heart is entrusted to. But unlike you, God would never let the wrong person hold your heart.” - Me

<3

Letters From God

Today was our last FIREstarters retreat of the semester; my last retreat. I was EXHAUSTED, but still managed to drag myself out of bed at 6:45am for a fun-filled day in campus ministry with Catholic high school confirmation students. It was a beautiful, challenging, wonderfully-terrifying day, and I think my life was changed once again by a few simple moments.


First of all, I'll have you know that at every single retreat so far (5 of them), the kids in my small group will ask me and the other small group leaders what our confirmation names are. My response to that question is always, "Well...I'm Protestant...so I don't have one."


Well, today, at my sixth and final retreat, I decided to find a saint that I could use as my Protestant-equivalent of a confirmation name. The very first time I heard the name Saint Therese I found it aesthetically pleasing and was quite intrigued. At lunch while I talked about finding myself a saint, Therese was the very saint suggested to me by a fellow FIREstarter.


Born in 1873, Therese lived in France as a nun for 10 years before her death at the age of 24. She was never able to complete any great works of service or do anything outside of her Carmelite cloister, for that matter. She was overly sensitive and cried A LOT. Now, at first, I was thinking, "I don't like her very much - she sounds like a total sap and I'm definitelyyyy not as much like her as I thought." How ridiculous of me. I'm the girl who has always felt sick to her stomach when anyone yells at her, if anyone rejects her, if any negativity is directed her way. And, yes, I do cry easily, although when alone. As for not being able to serve others, as I read on I began to get a better understanding of that part of Therese's life.


Therese forced her way into the Carmelite order by confronting the Pope and demanding to be let in despite her age. Her persistence impressed the Vicar General, and she was admitted. As a nun, she suffered through painful life situations and struggled to pray her way through, at times. What I like about her "service" is what she called "scattering little flowers," or taking every little opportunity she could to make some sacrifice for others. Because of this, she was called the Little Flower.


Here is a quote by Saint Therese that I particularly enjoy:


Charity gave me the key to my vocation. I understood that the Church had a Heart and that this Heart was burning with love. I understood that Love comprised all vocations, that Love was everything, that it embraced all times and places...in a word, that it was eternal! Then in the excess of my delirious joy, I cried out: O Jesus, my Love...my vocation, at last I have found it...My vocation is Love!"


I make my mission statement again and again, and here I will say it once more - I just want as many opportunities as possible to show others that they are loved.
What better saint could I pick?


Now, on to the rest of the retreat. It was in the middle of one of our skits that I realized how significant it was that this was my last retreat (In this skit I play a demon and was at the time standing with my head bowed after Jesus had "vanquished" me). You know those moments you look back on in life that are so bittersweet because you know some great chapter of your life that you have once experienced is now over and done with, forever to be trapped in your memory? For me, right now, that memory is summer camp, and a second chapter is winter percussion in high school. I am about to add another chapter to that book - FIREstarters, and, actually, Saint Francis overall. Crazy, to think that just today I was participating in the memory that will soon be completely in the past.


Finally, I got an amazing letter from God last week. We have a time at the retreat in which we give everyone a sheet of paper and ask them to write a letter to God, then write a response to that letter "from God." This week wasn't as monumental, but last week's definitely did not come from my own mind. Here it is:


Bethany, my darling child,
Quiet your soul and rest in Me. The love I have for you is so great, Bethany. Why are you looking for more validation than what I’ve already given you? Let that be enough. You are forgiven; you are purified; you are My beloved. Give your heart to me again and you will never be left wanting. And remember, I am with you always, until the end of the age, every step of the way. Change is a good thing; invite it and allow me to smooth out all the rough edges. You have such great opportunity – I am giving you open doors and all you have to do now is walk through them. You make the decision with what I have given you. I have called you and I have equipped you; now it is time to put that call to action. It’s okay to be scared – but find peace in Me. Let me heal your brokenness and fill any void in your life. I will not forsake you – remember that. And Bethany, I will give you the desires of your heart. This, too, shall pass. This hurt will not last forever. So stop worrying and place all of your cares in my hands. They will be taken care of. I am your sustenance. Do not lose faith in the fact. I love you, My sweetheart, My joy. Have peace.


Now I'm still exhausted from my day, so I may nap. I have so much work to do. Oy. 
<3

My life as told by Elizabeth Gilbert

Tonight, after watching the movie Eat, Pray, Love for the second time with my FIREstarters girls, I referred back to a Facebook note I wrote a while back about the quotes from that movie that really related to my life. Then, seeing the new way it impacted me this evening, I added some more quotes to sum up my life at this point. And, still, I believe that I have been channeling Elizabeth Gilbert's writing through my entire life's journey - not the exotic, Rome/India/Bali-exploring parts, but the philosophical at the very least. So here are a few of the quotes:            

"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

"Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it."

"Only the young and stupid are confident about sex and romance."

"Real, sane, mature love - the kind that pays the mortgage year after year and picks up the kids after school - is not based on infatuation but on affection and respect."

"I'm choosing happiness over suffering, I know I am. I'm making space for the unknown future to fill up my life with yet-to-come surprises."

"Faith is a way of saying 'Yes, I preaccept the terms of the universe and I embrace in advance what I am presently incapable of understanding.'"
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"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation."

"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else.

"It's still two human beings trying to get along, so it's going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something."

"Someday you're gonna look back on this moment of your life as such a sweet time of grieving. You'll see that you were in mourning and your heart was broken, but your life was changing..." 

Oh, look, coffee. How perfect! <3