I love being stupid.

Don't get me wrong - I love being stupid. I will do stupid things all day for no reason but to get a laugh out of it.  I have the ability to become the entertainment for a group of people who aren't doing much of anything at the time! You know what's odd, though? I cannot do those stupid things very often because people think I am crazy. Why? Observe:

(Me stumbling around laughing and falling into things)

Friend: Are you drunk?? Haha.

Me: No, I'm completely sober!

Friend: (To person standing next to her) She is soooo weird! 
 
You'll notice that my odd behavior was taken as something wrong with me when there was not another force acting on me to make me be silly. Here's another situation. See if you can find the difference:

(Actual drunk person stumbling around laughing and falling into things)

Friend: Are you drunk? Haha. 

Drunk person: I'm completely wasted!! 

Friend:  You are so hilarious!! High five!!

.


#1 reason I hate alcohol. Steals my fun. Therefore, I have shrunk away from my silly life and lived like a normal person for a very long time now, not realizing how much fun I am not having.

Captivating: It's a Question We Have to Answer Ourselves

"Little girls want to know, Am I lovely? The twirling skirts, the dress up, the longing to be pretty and to be seen - that is what that's all about. We are seeking an answer to our Question. When I was a girl of maybe five years old, I remember standing on top of the coffee table in my grandparents' living room and singing my heart out. I wanted to capture attention - especially my father's attention. I wanted to be captivating. We all did. But for most of us, the answer to our Question when we were young was 'No, there is nothing captivating about you.' Get off the coffee table. Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her Question answered, 'Yes!' Why does the Question linger so? Why haven't we been able to find and rest in a wonderful, personal answer for our own hearts?"

That excerpt from the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge is one of my favorite, and one that states most clearly the question I ask myself most of the time: why can't I find my answer?

There are many truths in that paragraph. A girl only wishes to be lovely and to capture attention from the people she admires most. And with adult life comes more pressure to stand out because you're not the cute little girl who captures attention with your baby laugh and pigtails.

I think that in my life, I have a certain need to feel irreplaceable, like there's no one else who can be for me what I am to someone or something. Most people will think this is ridiculous coming from me. I would say I'm a pretty unique person. But it seems that everything I was defined as was from a life I no longer have.

At Saint Francis I did important things. I made a difference. I was a big fish in a tiny, tiny bowl of water, so this was easy. I think that until now, I was carrying the person I used to be and unable to find a new person to be here at WVU. If I don't find my niche here and an opportunity to feel like I'm making a difference, I won't have anything to say for myself any longer. It's time to let go of that past and realize I need to take hold of life NOW. I think starting these self-reflections regularly again will be good for me.

I once had my Question answered on my own, and I was proud of it. I always thought my Question could be reassured by a man who appreciated me. I didn't realize that once I got that I couldn't just immediately hand off that responsibility. I still play a part. Of course I didn't foresee that I would try to, but I've become quite complacent on finding that for myself. The Question does need new sources of reassurance like new projects or something to be excited about. I can't just expect to be as captivating as I once was without doing anything toward that goal. The question has to be answered for myself always. And I can never, ever, accomplish that without God. It fails every time.

I feel better having written that out.

<3

Valentine's Day Mushiness

Normally I don't do this, but I need to pour out somewhere how I have the best boyfriend in the world and just one of the many reasons why. This man pays such good attention to the things I like and appreciate, and he uses that to surprise me with things I never even guessed he could!

Valentine's Day 2012, he took me out on a surprise date to the Valentine's Day Dinner Dance on the Gateway Clipper in Pittsburgh. I was completely in the dark about this beforehand, and was even more confused when we got off-track due to GPS and Pittsburgh difficulties (if anyone knows driving in Pittsburgh is ridiculous, you understand) and I said he could just call someone to tell them we were running late. He replied that no, he definitely couldn't call anyone. I couldn't figure out why until we arrived! I suppose they wouldn't hold a ferry boat for one out of over 200 couples. We forgot a camera, so we don't have many pictures, but we did snap a few of each other on my phone before dinner.

 This is Mr. Anthony with PNC Park in the background. At this point we hadn't figured out that we needed to use the night vision feature on my phone, but the stadium probably came out better this way. Dinner was delicious. They had steak and chicken and a bunch of side items. I thought that some cucumbers marinating in sauce would work for salad dressing...turns out that was not their purpose and I then had oriental-seasoned cucumber salad.

I thought taking a shot of him looking out the window, which was quickly fogging up, would be cool, but this took a few shots to perfect - well, as good as I could manage. This sounds incredibly cheesy, but at one point I just looked at him and it really hit me how great I think he is. I was getting butterflies just like I did on our first date before we were an official couple, and I don't think I stopped smiling all night. We went out on the top deck for about a minute at one point to see the view of the city, but I was freezing so we quickly came inside.

Finally getting the flash to work, this lovely picture was taken mid-conversation. I had him read a note I wrote for him an anxious three weeks prior to the event. That afternoon he met me outside my classroom wearing a suit with a bouquet of tulips and the sweetest card ever, but he had to go acquire a vehicle for the evening while I changed, so I didn't get to give him the note until now.

Oh, by the way, he picked out my dress for me, too. I guess I trust him a lot to let him tell me what to wear to an event unknown to me. As you can see, I was incredibly happy. It sounds weird, but my dream date has always been to just go to a classy place where they play old music and I can dance and be around old people who appreciate that, and BINGO! I've never felt so much like a princess. I also got to slow dance for the first time since high school, and with someone who means so much to me. At one point the band started singing "Get Down On It" while Anthony and I were taking a break, and then the guy came over and sang to us, telling us to "get your back up off the wall."

When the evening was over, more surprises were yet to come. Following another difficulty that was the GPS not charging properly, Anthony told me he was taking me home for the night to my house, and did I know how to get home from there? SO, I got to go home and see my family and my dogs, and I was overjoyed! We fell asleep watching Monsters, Inc. and then went to bed. I got up at 6 a.m. to make us breakfast and then we had to leave for him to make his 10:30 a.m. class. Hopefully he doesn't get sick of me telling him how amazing he is.

I guess he kinda likes me a little, huh?

<3

Hello!

Goodbye, feelings of fear, inadequacy, obligation, and panic! I won't miss you. I wouldn't mind if you never again disturb me with your unpleasant memories - in fact, I would rather just forget that you were ever a part of my life! I'd like you to meet my new emotions. Say hello to joy, sufficiency, serenity, and laughter! Though they don't really want to meet you, I thought maybe you could come face-to-face and realize that it's time for you to disappear forever. It's nice that you've tried to drop in for a visit here and there, but quite honestly I have no desire to ever experience your presence again. Your ability to sway me, to influence me with reminders of what used to be between us just won't work anymore. I found feelings that trump you completely. Just...fade away...and never show your face again.

<3

Exploration 2011: Passion...and Possibilities

Friday Evening Worship    Rev. April Casperson   Rev. Juan Huertas    Speaker: Rev. Adam Hamilton

"It doesn't matter if you were there for the events; you're supposed to ponder the effects and how they shaped you as you moved forward in your life."

"Churches today look more like a typewriter than a laptop. Young people are the ones who are going to teach us how to do church for this generation."

We don't believe that when bad things happen, it was because God intended it. "The Bible is the story of humans doing exactly what God doesn't want them to do, and His redemptive work to restore their lives."

God wants us to engage with our brains and ask questions, while at the same time using our hearts to feel compassion. You need grace and holiness, not one without the other.

"Are you a liberal or conservative? My answer is always the same - yes, of course."

Be the kind of church that would welcome a complete outcast into the congregation without judgement.

Luke 3:21-22
Matthew 9:35-38
Isaiah 6:8
Jonah 1:1-3
Exodus 4:10-13

Saturday Morning Small Groups: Holy Restraint and Holy Calling        Becca and Won Chul

Acts 16:1-15

How have you experienced "Holy Restraint?" To what other regions might God be calling you? What is keeping you from journeying to these new places? Today, how will you open yourself to God's new possibilities?

I wait to talk to people about God until they get to know me and not see me as scary, but they know I go to church. Eventually, they will either ask what makes me so happy all the time or I get to bring my faith up in a way that is less intimidating to them like suggesting books to read or just answering questions without being judgmental. People tend to open up and be more receptive that way. I think I'm called to children's ministry, especially, but I've been reaching out to people my age recently as well. Right now, I'm called to be a student at WVU. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to help you, and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

This is such a great time to be with God. I've missed Him - He's hard to feel at school. But it's about serving when you can't always feel Him, because He's still always there. This excitement is like the adrenaline rush you get before you have a really good workout - likewise I'm preparing for a great spiritual workout. My spiritual muscles were definitely out of practice and weak.

I hope to come out of this learning how to love more. I learned how to love from Christ's example and now what I believe is being affirmed in a religiously organized setting?!?!?!

"I think it's important to not be religious totalitarians." - Sarah

I have new faith in the Christian population - if we always lived in this artificial environment then we wouldn't need Christ. But I think what I'm scared of in ministry is dealing with all the crazies and people who just don't get it. Frustration comes with serving...

Saturday Evening Worship     Bishop Robert E. Hayes, Jr.

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining. I believe in love even when I don't feel it. I believe in God even when God is silent.

You are my beloved. You are my child. And I will be with you always, yes I will. When you see the lightening flashes and you pause, look to the sky and just remember My promise. Peace, be still. You are my beloved. You are my child. And I will be with you always, yes I will.

Anne Sullivan apparently tried to explain God to Helen Keller. Helen said thank you for telling me His name and who He is, for He speaks to me often, but I did not know who He was. God makes the same claim and has the same hold on our lives - that's why we're here. So often the call doesn't make any sense.

1 Peter 2:1-10
1 Samuel

I can't see myself being ordained and getting into all those religious politics just because there are too many I don't agree with and I wouldn't be able to tough it out, I don't think.

Everyone else was up celebrating their commitments and the two girls I was sitting with had marked "undiscerned," but they changed their minds and went up to the deacons etc. to pray for them. I took the safe route. What would I have felt like it I took the leap and committed my life to Christ? He deserves it. Why won't I give myself?

Saturday Night Small Groups   A Chosen People

1 Peter 2:1-10

What does it mean to you and your future to be "a chosen people?" What passions are you willing to offer in ministry to the church and the world? List three things you are going to do hen you return home.

The best thing to hear, especially now, is that it's OK to feel confused. It's OK to feel this way.

I feel like the more educated professionally I am about religion, the more that separates me from being able to reach out to the religiously uneducated?

You can't let God down. You were never holding Him up. He holds you up, never the other way around.

"I've been justified, I'm being sanctified, and I will be glorified."

Passions to offer to the church/world: Justice, love, hope in Christ, musical worship, joy, artistic expression, mission work, advocacy

3 things to do when I go home: 1)Research ways to form my life around Christ 2)Seek more leadership in my church 3)Tell my friends about this amazing experience

"You don't do this so others are patting you on the back and saying you're doing great, but you do it for God. You have a servant's heart." - Hannah

"Our relationships aren't built on classes we have together or mutual friends - they're based on Christ, and this is what the body of Christ should be." - Leeann

I'm a former control freak. I thought I was reformed, but I'm seeing remnants. Coming into this, it was only to learn some new things (God warned me right off the bat in the prayer room with Jeremiah 29:11, so I was open) and now I'm considering my call. I'm still being SO stubborn!

Am I awaiting another heartbreak to completely break me so I'm ruined for all other men but Christ?

I'm being very unpractical right now.

Sunday Morning Worship     Rev. Shalom Agtarap

If I don't keep up my idealistic, impossible dreaming, then I'll never get anywhere. Yea, I won't get hurt or disappointed, but I won't feel fulfilled either.

Luke 24:46, 49

Do you ever mistake the beginning of something for the end? Jesus' "end" was His beginning.

J Dubb - John Wesley.

This is not about getting your Jesus fix and heading back out into the world.

Prayer first, then scripture, which is the word of Life and not of death.

Don't let the fire sparked in your heart smolder because of lack of doing something about it.

"I became human for you. If you do not become God for Me, you do Me wrong."

I don't want to carry the name of United Methodist in the world. I want to carry the name of Christ.

Sacred Space/Prayer Time

"I observed, `love is the fulfilling of the law, the end of the commandment.` It is not only `the first and great` command, but all the commandments in one. `Whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, if there be any virtue, if there be any praise,` they are all comprised in this one word, love." - John Wesley, from "The Circumcision of the Heart" 1733

"The people who talk the most about God are the ones most in danger of taking Him for granted, of letting God become just a comfortable word in their lexicon, a piece of furniture, rather than a reality, a friend, a constant surprise." - Brian McLaren, from A New Kind of Christian: Ten Questions That Are Transforming the Faith 2010

"It is Christ Himself, not the Bible, who is the true Word of God. The Bible, read in the right spirit, with the guidance of good teachers, will bring us to Him." - C.S. Lewis 1952

Types of prayer: I ACT - Intercessional, Adoraction, Thanksgiving, Confession

In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps. - Proverbs 16:9

When you love someone so much and want to give your life to them, you make that commitment, right? Well, what if I'm hopelessly in love with Jesus and I want to devote the rest of my life to Him? I can't love another human being the way I love Jesus. What does that mean for me?

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. - Psalm 119:105

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you. - Psalm 55:22

Pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. - 1 Thessalonians 5:17-18

We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. - Romans 8:28

...for the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable. - Romans 11:29

"Vocation does not come from a voice 'out there' calling me to become something I am not. It comes from a voice 'in here' calling to me to be the person I was born to be, to fulfill the original selfhood given me at birth by God." - Parker Palmer

Vocation is "the place where your deep gladness meets the world's deep need." - Frederick Buechner

"We only know emotional maturity and resilience when we learn to open our hearts to God and to one another. There is no other way to discover and sustain emotional growth and health than with a strong vertical connection to God and a vital horizontal connection to others. The first speaks of the priority of solitude, of the individual, of the private encounter with God. The second speaks of community and conversation. We need both." - Gorden T. Smith

For surely I know the plans I have for  you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope. - Jeremiah 29:11

The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? - Psalm 27:1

Afterthoughts    

...Well?

<3

It's a Girl Thing

There I was again. Swiping IDs, tranquilizing sheep, and putting off homework. The last thing I needed was further distraction from my work, but of course distraction seizes the opportunity when it is least convenient for me. And it came in the form of three drama queens.

They were clearly intoxicated, stumbling in the doors and huddling just inside the entrance, balling their eyes out. Part of me wanted to offer help, but I wasn't sure if I should just let them cry it out.

I texted up to the front desk, "Ummm there are three girls here crying hysterically in the entrance...what do I do? Haha."

No response. I stared at the girls for a few more seconds trying to cross over from amusement to compassion. Action time.

I went over to the little group-huddle and attempted to get their attention, but they all had their faces turned in together. All I could hear were incoherent mutterings, broken up by hiccups and wails.

"Excuse me, are you girls okay? Is there anything I can help you with?" I asked.

They turned and looked at me fiercely. Two of them still whimpered, but one composed herself enough to respond to me - very rudely, I might add.

"It's a girl thing," she snapped. "You wouldn't understand." And the girls shuffled back outside to continue their blubberfest.

So I returned to the desk, and I texted again to the main entrance just in case they cared at all.

"For some reason, I thought I was a girl. My bad."

Apparently, being an RA also neutralizes your gender. Just an RA thing, I suppose...

Stop Harassing the Pig!

So there I was, standing on the sidewalk, surrounded by about eight male residents and holding this pig as the cop stepped out of his car and crossed the street, pointing in my direction.

"What're you doing with that pig?" he asked. He paused in his previous inquiry as he looked at me quizzically and posed a new question: "Why do you look familiar?"

I was probably just as confused as he was.

"I'm an RA here," I said. And what was I doing with that pig...

***

It was just like any other day for a resident assistant, swiping ID cards at the entrance to my hall. By myself. It's a stimulating occupation, really. My homework was piled beside me and I had every intention of getting something done -- until I opened a window on the internet. Even then I convinced myself that my visits to all my personal blogs and networking sites would only be to stop in for a second. But then the ad in the corner looked interesting, so I clicked on that and ended up playing a reflex-testing game tranquilizing sheep for about another half-hour. By then it was just pointless to get my homework started, especially since now my goal of becoming a turbo-charged cheetah in my sheep game was much more important than finishing my research paper for tomorrow.

I looked up as some residents came through the doors, and I swiped their IDs. Going back to my sheep game, I did not pay attention to the people coming out of the elevator behind me when I heard it ding. They walked outside, and then one of them ran back in and said my name, making me miss a sheep that broke from the heard. GAH! I was sure my record would never be broken, now.

"Yes?" I said.

"Do you want to see a pig?" the resident said.

Well, this was a pleasant change of pace. There is the potential for something interesting to happen down here tonight! Still, I had no idea what this kid was talking about. So I said, "What are you talking about?"

He told me to just come outside, which normally isn't the best idea, but I was intrigued. I followed him out to the sidewalk and saw a man standing a few feet away, wearing a sweater that he had wrapped around something he was holding. Low and behold - the thing was a freaking pig. Actually, it was a freaking adorable baby pig. It's little snout was all brown and wrinkled up, and it shivered in the chilly air as the man held his sweater open.

"Do you want to hold it?" the man asked. I wasn't sure how he couldn't predict my answer by the totally smitten look on my face as I fell in love with the precious little thing. I reached out to take it's tiny, shaking body into my arms. That was when the cop car pulled up.

"I'm going to need you all to step away from the pig!" the officer ordered from his car. We all stood staring at him, frozen in utter confusion. He repeated, slightly different: "I'm going to need you all to stop harassing the pig!"

Still getting no response, the officer stepped out of his vehicle -- which brings us to my interrogation narrated at the opening to this tale.

***

"I'm an RA here," I said. "And...I'm holding the pig? And petting it?"

The cop looked around at the eight residents. "Are you harassing the pig?" he asked.

The man in the sweater hesitantly answered, "The pig is my pet, and no, we weren't harassing it."

Nodding, the officer turned back to me. "Well, we had complaints of someone harassing a pig," he explained. He awkwardly stepped back off the sidewalk and began retreating to his car. "Be nice to the pig," he added, before getting in the vehicle and driving away.

 I quickly gave the pig back and left the group to discuss their confusion while I returned to my simple, sheep-tranquilizing life.

Like I said, this is a stimulating occupation.