I love being stupid.

Don't get me wrong - I love being stupid. I will do stupid things all day for no reason but to get a laugh out of it.  I have the ability to become the entertainment for a group of people who aren't doing much of anything at the time! You know what's odd, though? I cannot do those stupid things very often because people think I am crazy. Why? Observe:

(Me stumbling around laughing and falling into things)

Friend: Are you drunk?? Haha.

Me: No, I'm completely sober!

Friend: (To person standing next to her) She is soooo weird! 
 
You'll notice that my odd behavior was taken as something wrong with me when there was not another force acting on me to make me be silly. Here's another situation. See if you can find the difference:

(Actual drunk person stumbling around laughing and falling into things)

Friend: Are you drunk? Haha. 

Drunk person: I'm completely wasted!! 

Friend:  You are so hilarious!! High five!!

.


#1 reason I hate alcohol. Steals my fun. Therefore, I have shrunk away from my silly life and lived like a normal person for a very long time now, not realizing how much fun I am not having.

Captivating: It's a Question We Have to Answer Ourselves

"Little girls want to know, Am I lovely? The twirling skirts, the dress up, the longing to be pretty and to be seen - that is what that's all about. We are seeking an answer to our Question. When I was a girl of maybe five years old, I remember standing on top of the coffee table in my grandparents' living room and singing my heart out. I wanted to capture attention - especially my father's attention. I wanted to be captivating. We all did. But for most of us, the answer to our Question when we were young was 'No, there is nothing captivating about you.' Get off the coffee table. Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her Question answered, 'Yes!' Why does the Question linger so? Why haven't we been able to find and rest in a wonderful, personal answer for our own hearts?"

That excerpt from the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge is one of my favorite, and one that states most clearly the question I ask myself most of the time: why can't I find my answer?

There are many truths in that paragraph. A girl only wishes to be lovely and to capture attention from the people she admires most. And with adult life comes more pressure to stand out because you're not the cute little girl who captures attention with your baby laugh and pigtails.

I think that in my life, I have a certain need to feel irreplaceable, like there's no one else who can be for me what I am to someone or something. Most people will think this is ridiculous coming from me. I would say I'm a pretty unique person. But it seems that everything I was defined as was from a life I no longer have.

At Saint Francis I did important things. I made a difference. I was a big fish in a tiny, tiny bowl of water, so this was easy. I think that until now, I was carrying the person I used to be and unable to find a new person to be here at WVU. If I don't find my niche here and an opportunity to feel like I'm making a difference, I won't have anything to say for myself any longer. It's time to let go of that past and realize I need to take hold of life NOW. I think starting these self-reflections regularly again will be good for me.

I once had my Question answered on my own, and I was proud of it. I always thought my Question could be reassured by a man who appreciated me. I didn't realize that once I got that I couldn't just immediately hand off that responsibility. I still play a part. Of course I didn't foresee that I would try to, but I've become quite complacent on finding that for myself. The Question does need new sources of reassurance like new projects or something to be excited about. I can't just expect to be as captivating as I once was without doing anything toward that goal. The question has to be answered for myself always. And I can never, ever, accomplish that without God. It fails every time.

I feel better having written that out.

<3

Valentine's Day Mushiness

Normally I don't do this, but I need to pour out somewhere how I have the best boyfriend in the world and just one of the many reasons why. This man pays such good attention to the things I like and appreciate, and he uses that to surprise me with things I never even guessed he could!

Valentine's Day 2012, he took me out on a surprise date to the Valentine's Day Dinner Dance on the Gateway Clipper in Pittsburgh. I was completely in the dark about this beforehand, and was even more confused when we got off-track due to GPS and Pittsburgh difficulties (if anyone knows driving in Pittsburgh is ridiculous, you understand) and I said he could just call someone to tell them we were running late. He replied that no, he definitely couldn't call anyone. I couldn't figure out why until we arrived! I suppose they wouldn't hold a ferry boat for one out of over 200 couples. We forgot a camera, so we don't have many pictures, but we did snap a few of each other on my phone before dinner.

 This is Mr. Anthony with PNC Park in the background. At this point we hadn't figured out that we needed to use the night vision feature on my phone, but the stadium probably came out better this way. Dinner was delicious. They had steak and chicken and a bunch of side items. I thought that some cucumbers marinating in sauce would work for salad dressing...turns out that was not their purpose and I then had oriental-seasoned cucumber salad.

I thought taking a shot of him looking out the window, which was quickly fogging up, would be cool, but this took a few shots to perfect - well, as good as I could manage. This sounds incredibly cheesy, but at one point I just looked at him and it really hit me how great I think he is. I was getting butterflies just like I did on our first date before we were an official couple, and I don't think I stopped smiling all night. We went out on the top deck for about a minute at one point to see the view of the city, but I was freezing so we quickly came inside.

Finally getting the flash to work, this lovely picture was taken mid-conversation. I had him read a note I wrote for him an anxious three weeks prior to the event. That afternoon he met me outside my classroom wearing a suit with a bouquet of tulips and the sweetest card ever, but he had to go acquire a vehicle for the evening while I changed, so I didn't get to give him the note until now.

Oh, by the way, he picked out my dress for me, too. I guess I trust him a lot to let him tell me what to wear to an event unknown to me. As you can see, I was incredibly happy. It sounds weird, but my dream date has always been to just go to a classy place where they play old music and I can dance and be around old people who appreciate that, and BINGO! I've never felt so much like a princess. I also got to slow dance for the first time since high school, and with someone who means so much to me. At one point the band started singing "Get Down On It" while Anthony and I were taking a break, and then the guy came over and sang to us, telling us to "get your back up off the wall."

When the evening was over, more surprises were yet to come. Following another difficulty that was the GPS not charging properly, Anthony told me he was taking me home for the night to my house, and did I know how to get home from there? SO, I got to go home and see my family and my dogs, and I was overjoyed! We fell asleep watching Monsters, Inc. and then went to bed. I got up at 6 a.m. to make us breakfast and then we had to leave for him to make his 10:30 a.m. class. Hopefully he doesn't get sick of me telling him how amazing he is.

I guess he kinda likes me a little, huh?

<3