Captivating: It's a Question We Have to Answer Ourselves

"Little girls want to know, Am I lovely? The twirling skirts, the dress up, the longing to be pretty and to be seen - that is what that's all about. We are seeking an answer to our Question. When I was a girl of maybe five years old, I remember standing on top of the coffee table in my grandparents' living room and singing my heart out. I wanted to capture attention - especially my father's attention. I wanted to be captivating. We all did. But for most of us, the answer to our Question when we were young was 'No, there is nothing captivating about you.' Get off the coffee table. Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable, to have her Question answered, 'Yes!' Why does the Question linger so? Why haven't we been able to find and rest in a wonderful, personal answer for our own hearts?"

That excerpt from the book Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul by John and Stasi Eldredge is one of my favorite, and one that states most clearly the question I ask myself most of the time: why can't I find my answer?

There are many truths in that paragraph. A girl only wishes to be lovely and to capture attention from the people she admires most. And with adult life comes more pressure to stand out because you're not the cute little girl who captures attention with your baby laugh and pigtails.

I think that in my life, I have a certain need to feel irreplaceable, like there's no one else who can be for me what I am to someone or something. Most people will think this is ridiculous coming from me. I would say I'm a pretty unique person. But it seems that everything I was defined as was from a life I no longer have.

At Saint Francis I did important things. I made a difference. I was a big fish in a tiny, tiny bowl of water, so this was easy. I think that until now, I was carrying the person I used to be and unable to find a new person to be here at WVU. If I don't find my niche here and an opportunity to feel like I'm making a difference, I won't have anything to say for myself any longer. It's time to let go of that past and realize I need to take hold of life NOW. I think starting these self-reflections regularly again will be good for me.

I once had my Question answered on my own, and I was proud of it. I always thought my Question could be reassured by a man who appreciated me. I didn't realize that once I got that I couldn't just immediately hand off that responsibility. I still play a part. Of course I didn't foresee that I would try to, but I've become quite complacent on finding that for myself. The Question does need new sources of reassurance like new projects or something to be excited about. I can't just expect to be as captivating as I once was without doing anything toward that goal. The question has to be answered for myself always. And I can never, ever, accomplish that without God. It fails every time.

I feel better having written that out.

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